Everyday has something beautiful

whatshouldwecallme:

…until you get a closer look

(i’m bipolar in the mind constantly btw) <music does to me all the time. 

it’s been 2 years since i’ve lost self-confidence in myself. i try to avoid going to the mall at all costs. i just can’t. i feel ugly/gross in new clothes. i’d rather see beautiful clothes fit on a beautiful person. 

i’m fine with these baggy pants. i’m fine with these leggings with holes. i’m fine with wearing the same jacket everyday. truth is, i used to be more confident in the past. i have like 12 pairs of jeans sitting in my closet. but. i wear the same baggy pants/leggings every week. i never touch those jeans. i’ve looked in a mirror and i don’t like it. it’s fine, i’ll just give them to my sister.

i feel fat all the time. i wish i were skinny. this shit has been on my mind SO MANY FRINKIN TIMES. i wish it would just happen. i see the girls who are slightly bigger than me. but guess wut, most of them have pretty faces. and here i am. with thick legs, and an awkward face with many dots. (you think it looks perfect from a distance, but omg. come up close and enjoy this dot labyrinth) why couldn’t i have been pretty or thin? why did it have to come to this. :/

i’m always reading manga. i swear. and i i hate to conceal it. but here goes…i love shoujo manga. like the romance kind. it’s strange because at school, i try to avoid guys at all costs. i hate love and mushy stuff. but sometimes i’m thinking about it, constantly. i’m thinking of that special person who will smile at me, who will place his trust on me, who will caress me when i shed tears, who will bring light and lift this ponderous burden off my back. but then i’m thinking. why should i think these useless thoughts. i’m not beautiful. i don’t find myself appealing. and i don’t want to try to. i tend to raise my voice with other guys, but not with girls. and no, i’m not lesbian. -_-‘ 

i am a FREAK when it comes to food. omg. like i really wish i could stop myself sometimes. when i eat, i can’t stop. it’s too good. oh food, why must you bring such splendid delights and temptations to my taste buds? i’ve been trying to lose weight and well obviously. hmm. not going well. failing pretty much. sigh. i’m not fat. but i’m self conscious about myself. i look in the mirror to see if everything’s alright. i wish i didn’t have to try so hard. but i have to. i’ve grown up. im not that small tiny, underweight child i used to be. i’m not some kid who didn’t care about any of this. i’ve opened my eyes to new things. and now i see myself. and i don’t like it. 

i wish i were smarter so that whenever i took the sat/act, i’d get perfects my first try. save all this stressing, and please God, give me some intellect. it drives me to frustration to see me fail a section and screw up everything. it hurts. 

sure. love hurts. sure falling hurts. sure backstabbing hurts ALOT. but it’s not as painful when your “intelligence” is insulted, for me. that hurts me the most. i feel like burning a wall when i hear the words. “you didn’t know that?” “i beat you, haha loser.” like. omg. please.bish. don’t go anymore, or this wall is coming down on you. 

i’m pretty much any average teenage girl. and i have a lot of things to worry upon. college, life, love. i wish i could easily succeed in these things. i wish.

i wish. 

sometimes i wish a gentle zephyr could just caress me in the sky.

my feelings are just ambivalent mixes of oblivion, good to be burned.

sure. great.

let it all go.

im so lonely.

why can’t i breathe properly? i try so hard sometimes just to get hurt.

what is this. 

let the tears.

let it all go.

who cares.

i wish i was stronger. give me more fortitude, God. my presumptuous character is leading me no where. i’m going.

no where. 

where is my purpose? was i born to just be tricked by -

sorry i was an annoying freak. i just wanted to be one of your good friends. guess wut. maybe i’m thinking too much about this, but in the end i feel like i’m just nothing. am i really nothing. i’m not smart. i’m not beautiful. i’m something. im not totally pessimistic. but i only did it for you.

but i guess. no matter how many times i try.

hah.

my happy ending.

just let it all go.

im just a childness. person. i’ll never grow up. so let me cry.